A lab report by Lily Spellman
In the world of podcasts, it's easy to get buried, it's easy to get lost in the flurry of voices all crying out to be heard. There are SO many podcasts and while yes some are quite entertaining, alot are just all talk and no substance. This is not however where we find ourselves today, no today we creep up to the garage, we crawl under the slightly open door and we peer into a world of horror run by a man with a simple goal, to talk your ear off and have a great time doing it.
The Garage of Horror is quickly rising up the ranks of horror podcasts to become a GO TO #MutantFam podcast and for good reason, the massive amounts of information, trivia, insight, and love for the genre just oozes from your speakers.
(Garage of Horror not responsible for literally oozing speakers, call Father Gil**)
As you listen to our host and his guests chuckle and chat, always leaving you wanting more and the garage has had some super cool guests from Johhny K, the writer-director of "The Killer of Grassy Ridge", Michelle Scott (Writer of "The Soulless" and a very interesting episode!) and one of my idols Diana Prince, Darcy the Mail Girl herself! It seems like all the creepy kids love the Garage of Horror.
Our insightful host is joined mostly by his wife who is a riot in her own right, watching films and tearing them apart with the eye of someone who has no time to suspend disbelief. Leaving me personally cracking up more times at her comments than anything else. Matt is a charismatic and funny person, listening to an episode is sure to bring a smile to your face as the nonstop riffs and laughter is the big driving force behind the series. The guests always seem like they are genuinely having a great time which lets us as listeners relax and enjoy all the more. The whole show, top to bottom is a circus and I love it.
It is easy to compare a podcast to the popular ones these days, Tigerbelly, The Joe Rogan Podcast, Your Mom's House, H3H3, etc. have become the standard for what a podcast should be and how it should flow. The Garage hits that mark on every point, the quality of the episodes, the pacing, and the guests make this podcast the Joe Rogan Podcast of Mutant Fam and that's no small feat! At the end of the day The Garage of Horror is a well-made podcast, with well-rounded guests, properly planned material and an amazing flow that never seems to break.
Going behind the scenes and looking at the hosts outside of the channel you'll find that Matt and his wife Desi are both very funny and insightful. Matt can be seen in almost everything the #MutantFam or horror community has its hands-on, throwing in his two cents and cracking up the crowd, his insane knowledge of movies often coming in handy, ending arguments and settling bets like a human Necronomicon, he is quick to find a relevant quote or throw out a great riff and is a very welcome part of any conversation. He's much more than a host, he's a big part everything we do.
In a genre of bleak, grim death, black comedy and lone survivors, its a very welcome reprieve to be able to just, hang out in the garage, with Matt and Desi, and shoot the shit about movies. Sometimes. that's ALL you need...
During the current outbreak, Matt has become a volunteer for the CCOHS and the next stop on his list is the lab! Be sure to check out my inspection below! Could the lab e shut down? Will Matt be eaten by some...sort of thing!? MAYBE! who knows! well, I do...but you could too! Head below for the full interview!
The rain pours down as the stranger approaches the large wooden door to the castle, he peers up at the note stabbed into the wood with a large crooked knife, it reads
"the lab is closed due to blob jackassery, please maim yourself before leaving".
The stranger scribbles on his clipboard and proceeds to reach for the Doorknocker.
"HEY!" the gargoyle head holding the ring screams suddenly "can't you read? we’re closed! quarantined! don't touch anything!”
"Oh...well..." He holds up a badge and the Gargoyles face suddenly changes to a smirk "you misheard me I'm sure! what I said was, head in, down the hall, then the other hall, skip the stairs if you like your legs and take the elevator to the basement, Lilys in the theater and the doc might be dead we aren't really sure."
"you..have a dead body in there?"
"NO! of course not!....we have DOZENS!”
The stranger scribbles some more.
The large doors swing open slowly as the stranger enters and escapes the rain finally “DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! we have a poltergeist for all that!" the gargoyle shouts from the doorway as it closes behind the stranger.
The stranger heads down the hallway to the elevator, the torches lighting as he passes and extinguishing as he moves beyond there need. As he reaches the elevator the door opens and the stranger enters calmly. the door shuts and suddenly the elevator is sent screaming miles below stopping just short of the lab with a loud stutter the doors opening to reveal an immaculate and very old looking movie theater, the screen playing the unmistakable glow of Plan 9 From outer space.
Lily leans back in a chair, using her lab coat as a pillow watching the film with Igor and The Reel Character.
The stranger approaches the isle and clears his throat, attempting to get their attention.
"Guy," says Reel.
A few moments pass and the stranger clears his throat loudly
"Loud guy," says Reel
"huh?" Lily replies looking up from her popcorn to see the stranger standing there, wet and not too pleased.
"Oh! are you THE guy?
"THE? My name is Matt, I'm a host for the Garage of Horror but at the moment I'm here on behalf of the CCOHS. We've had complaints of body piles, rivers of blood, horrible creatures, toxic waste pits, radioactive space monsters and a WHOLE list of other complaints.”
"AND, that is a hazard! are you aware we are in a viral crisis at the moment?" The man blares angrily.
"Are you aware that most things here are already dead?" Lily responds.
"Touche...listen. I get it, I really do, the whole Rick and Morty thing..."
"HEY HEY HEY! listen, pal, the docs been around and keeping us entertained since the good old days! Castle Frightenstien has a proud heritage of monsters and madman and I won't have you compare him to some....cartoon...burpy man!"
"Either way, why don't you show me around, and we'll see what needs to go and what you can do better huh?"
Lily hands her popcorn to Reel, who at this point still hasn't paid any attention to what's happening. She clambers over Igor and grabs her coat throwing it on as she exits the theater towards the elevator.
"Fiiiiiiine. let's go"
As they enter the elevator and Matt braces himself for another crazy ride they begin to chat.
Lily: So...mr movie wrecker...you got a name or just an annoying habit?
Matt, Glaring back at Lily: My name is Matt. I'm a sarcastic dude that loves horror movies and never takes anything seriously... Ever. I've got three children all boys
that could be why I call everyone son...Oh and my wife co-hosts my podcast. Can't forget that.
Lily: NEVER forget the wife
Lily waits for a button to seemingly push itself when it hits her...
Lily: Podcast guy!...outhouse of pain?...NO! Garage of horror! you're the dude...
Matt nods and smiles
Lily: Your ALLWAYS happy, what the hell is that
Matt: I'm always happy because I never take anything seriously. It does wonders lol.
Well also because I got a couple of great pieces of advice, if you get mad or upset the thing making you mad or upset doesn't change, now you're just mad and upset on top of it.
and as a drill sergeant in basic once told me, don't get upset. Nothing lasts forever.
Lily: But you DO take flicks seriously. like you LIVE AND BREATH horror. how long ago did that start and what brought it all about
The elevator doors close and the elevator, at a normal pace starts to head down.
Matt, surprised and relieved releases his death grip on the rail
Matt: I think horror is the only thing I do take seriously lol. That started as a kid, sitting around on Saturday afternoons watching old Universal Movie Monsters with grandma and Chiller Theater with her at night. Then my mom showed me A Nightmare on Elm Street at age 4! Then came Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc. I grew up during the golden 80s boon of horror and then Joe Bob and MonsterVision came on the scene when I was in high school. I was never really a social butterfly who went out and had a bunch of friends so staying in and getting lost in horror movies was my escape. Nancy Thompson was my first crush. Reggie Bannister and Ashley "Ash" Williams were my first heroes. That four-barrel shotgun in Phantasm II forget about it! And I love classic muscle cars to this day.
The door opens revealing a large room with a VERY large hole in the middle, things screaming, clawing, barking, growling and more unworldly sounds come whirling from the
hole, a large sign reading, "DO NOT FEED THE CREATURES, UNLESS ITS SOMETHING COOL" hangs on the wall opposite.
Lily: oh! that reminds me! you seem to wanna bang the thing, do you wanna bang the thing
you REALLY love that movie like you seemed legit offended that your wife didn't like it
you defended it like it was your new baby
Matt: Don't kink shame me lol. I was pretty offended lol. I really love how horror is great for social commentary and holding a mirror up to society and I've mentioned it a couple of places before this week but the themes of The Thing are super relevant right now with this Covid-19 outbreak and how you can spread it even asymptomatically so before you even know you're sick. You can be out on these streets looking normal and infecting everyone. It's just like being in Outpost 31 and not knowing who is okay and who isn't. It's eerie as fuck even going to the store these days.
Lily walks out of the elevator and over to a small console, she types in a few commands and waits. a mechanical sound fills the room.
Lily: I mean she's not wrong about some stuff, they were a shitty shot
BUT I agree, classic in all rights
Matt: No she wasn't wrong about that, and some of her gripes were legitimate but 3.5? 3.5!!!!
A large cage with cows, humans, goats, and what looks like a lot of candy enters the room through a conveyor system, it hovers over the pit before the bottom opens, dropping
the screaming contents into the easily 100-foot drop. sounds of eating fill the room. Matt scribbles furiously on his clipboard.
Lily: Speaking of covid, what are you and your family doing to spread the joy during your time at home
I've seen you infecting your younglings with the horror bug, do the others join or just the Lil guy
Matt: Oh that's a good question because I think we all have different ideas of what spreading the joy entails. The 11-year-old is on Minecraft, the 4-year-old is building legos for age ranges twice his age and I'm mainlining horror movies straight into my veins.
Unfortunately, he's the only one that joins in for now, but that's just because he can't go anywhere lol. But he's the worst, he eats half my snacks and falls asleep 10 minutes in, there is no discussion to be had.
Lily: like clockwork orange...excellent
Matt: Exactly like clockwork lol
Lily enters the elevator again and the door closes as they begin to move further downward.
lily: better then the lab, you know how hard it is to keep dozens of bloodthirsty freaks fed and entertained, thank god for joebob
If you could watch any flick with joebob what would you guys watch?
Matt: Oh man!!!!*laughs maniacally* The Thing
Lily: nice :) so why garage? why not the basement, or shack, or some spooky thing
not that I'm shitting on it, its just....who died in a garage aside from cat door lady in scream
she doesn't count, she was too thicc to survive
Matt: Because with three loud ass minions running around the only quiet place I could find to record my first episode was in my garage. Also, there is a bat skin nailed to the wall in my garage from the previous owners that freaked my original cohost right the hell out the first time she noticed what it was.... right while we were in the middle of recording.
The door opens and a great, sprawling laboratory lays before them, with seemingly no end and far too many things to keep track of.
"you can look but unless you want testicles for eyes I wouldn't touch anything, the doc gets pissy. better just go, to be honest" Lily said dryly.
Matts's eyes widened as he backed up into the elevator, scribbling as he goes.
Lily: new question, are you patient zero, you DO have the bat
The door closes and the elevator takes a trip upward.
Mat: Nah that mother was dead long before I got here and I didn't eat it. I'm a steak and potatoes guy son
Lily: I'm built on like 90% potato, Irish blood
Matt: Legit Irish blood or did you get it from the lab?
Stepping out of the elevator matt looks around to see what ALMOST resembles a retirement home
Lily: a little bit of column a...little bit of b
Matt: cause we talked about this.
Lily: it's FREE! a dear friend of mine told me a long time ago "never say no to free cheese", and I've always taken it to heart. if you had to take one saying to the grave, one piece of advice, what is it
As they walk down the halls peering into rooms matt can see a games lounge, where the Sawyer family is playing trivial pursuit, moving further he sees a small room with a few couches, Famous slashers like Freddy and Michael, feet kicked up watching "The Fault in our stars"
Matt: His last name wasn't Sawyer was it? One saying..... I'm going to have to think on that one.
Lily: Ill come back to that, you bet your ass OH! bet your ass.... if you were in a saw trap and had to lose a body part to escape, or like...elaborate death blah blah blah, what are you ditching NO TOES OR FINGERS
Matt: My L5 vertebrae cause that motherfucker is shot!
Lily:but...wouldnt you be crippled then
Jesus even the first dude just lost a foot, hardcore, I respect that
Matt: I would... but there have been some real badasses in a wheelchair... Stephen Hawking, Perry Mason...
Rounding the hall and making there way back to the elevator they enter once again, the door shuts and the elevator heads up again.
Lily: Larry Flynt! oh, wait ew nevermind...Franklin from....nevermind...the dude from Friday the...
Matt: That dude from The Equalizer
Lily: FUCK YEAH!
Matt: And don't put Mark down like that I'm still pretty pissed off at Jason for doing my man dirty like that when he was about to hook up with that cutie.
Lily: It was also such a lame death
franklin got killed like a champ
Matt: THE MACHETE WAS BACKWARDS!
The elevator door opens revealing a large black swirl of screaming and sorrow, the unblinking eyes of the damned forever etched into your soul...
Matt: that floors fine... let's skip that one...
Lily shrugs, the door closes and the elevator continues upwards.
Lily: That's just how good Jason is, doesn't need to be the right way or even a weapon.pretty sure he could kill you with his wang
Matt: Jason Vorhees is a
bitch, that's right I said it.
(highlight the rest of the sentence to see what Matt had to say, it's not pretty. Additional parts of the conversation have been censored. Highlight to read the uncensored version.)
Lily: Bold stance! why the hate!
Matt: A statement of fact is not hated. I mean come on at heart he's a mama's boy as illustrated by Friday the 13th Part II and Freddy vs Jason
Now Freddy. That's a real villain
Lily: He's a rapist! and a shitty one! he got caught and burned
Matt: Yeah, hence the villainy. Yeah, he got caught but his lawyers took the prosecution to the mat much like I did to Ghostface Kitchenski and boom he's on the streets.
Lily:...you are aware that Mr kitchenski is a known serial killer, albeit a slightly inept one.
The elevator opens, they step out into the lobby, lily's workspace
Matt: I think we need to ask him if he's ever prosecuted in springwood cause that outcome looks familiar Face with tears of joy I'm aware he's also a slightly inept prosecutor. If he kills like he prosecutes... Jesus. Dude can't even find his way to camp.
Lily: Since your a hardcore Nightmare fan, WHY in your opinion did the recent remake flop so badly
Matt: Oh my God, that could be an interview all on its own. First, you can't go wishy-washy with the pedophilia did he or didn't he. Of course, he did, that's why he's irredeemable. Also the makeup. Lord baby Jesus we don't go to Freddy to see what a real burn victim would look like, we go to see that demonic witch looking motherfucker and the script whoo boy. It had one original idea, the micro naps and they did nothing with it. Jackie Earle Haley is the only redeemable thing about that movie. So I can watch it for him every once in a long blue moon, or if I want to look at Katie Cassidy but that is neither here nor there.
They were like a kid that wanted to play with a Freddy Krueger toy but didn't understand anything about what made Freddy... Freddy
Lily sits down at her desk and opens her laptop to Mutantfam.com as usual.
Lily: so then, if you could remake, make a prequel or sequel to, etc ANY series or film, what would it be and why?
Matt: Prequel and I'd go Hellraiser. Yes, we've seen the story of why people open the lament configuration in the first Hellraiser but what was so special about Elliot Spencer that they made him the priest of hell when he opened it, and who came when he opened it?
Matt sits down on the couch, checking off various boxes and filling in sections on his clipboard.
Lily: OH! Would you open the box?
Matt: Fuck no. I have a rubricks cube that looks like the lament configuration that I won't even solve cause I've seen how that fucking ends.
Lily: me too....in pieces on the floor cause fuck those devil cubes
if you could completely erase a franchise or movie from history, what would it be?
Matt: If I could erase a franchise it would be Paranormal Activity. If I'm just erasing one movie its the Nightmare on Elm Street remake. All copies of that should be put in the same landfill as all those copies of that E.T. Atari game.
Lily: they NEVER should have changed paranormals ending
the original was terrifying the idea that it fucked off RIGHT as the cops came in leaving her to get shot being finally in control just as it all ends horrible
Matt: Exactly! Go for that downer ending. Night of the Living Dead, The Mist, they can't be wrong.
Lily: What would be your worst horror movie end, like if you were in one of these films and we're gonna eat itnwhat would you NOT want to happen to you
Matt finishes writing, he clicks his pen and tosses it into his pocket. pulling a few pieces of paper off he hands them to lily "Sign please?"
Lily lets out an anguished groan "Fiiiiiiine"
Matt: Mmm. Well, for me, the worst way would be for a bunch of old men to get around me...and start biting...and eating me alive. No, just kidding I think I'd want something quick, like Mark's backward machete to the face, he was dead before he went down the stairs. I wouldn't want to linger.
Lily:10 points for a cool reference
Matt: I've always got a horror reference ready to go.
Lily: What's the best part of having your wife join in? it seems like a lot of stuff gets under her skin :P
Matt: Well that is one of the best parts lol. No, I know she doesn't like everything I do so that is a good way to stimulate conversation. Like the whole thing about the blood test in The Thing. Never would have got that from someone who liked the movie as much as I do but on the real, having her do my show with me is great because she's honestly my best friend and I get to do this cool thing with her. It's awesome.
Lily: she was so butthurt about the dog
AND SHE LIKED THE PREQUEL!?
shes evil, I like her
Matt: I know!
Lily: Have you ever seen a horror film that flat out pissed you off, like you refuse to watch it.
Matt: Yes! Last Shift! have you seen it?
Lily: I have but its a blur, I remember it being a weird flick set in a police station
slow and dark that's all I got lol if I didn't like it then it MUST be crap, I watch anything
Lily hands the papers back to matt, now doodled on and signed. matt begins to check through them.
Lily: I thought it would be cool but the whole time I wanted to kill everyone
every choice they made was stupid even when they found a safe way to escape they fucked it up they even stopped using the thing that repelled the shark BECAUSE IT WORKED AND KEPT THE SHARK AWAY
Matt: yes! I can suspend disbelief but having characters do something stupid in service of the plot pisses me off.
Lily: running upstairs is one thing
running into jaws mouth is another
Matt: If your plot relies on characters doing something so stupid a real person would never do it then you need to make another pass on your script
Lily: perfectly said!
Lily: Who do you want on the podcast most
Matt: Robert Englund
But right now, Barbara Crampton
Lily: DIG BOTH CHOICES
Crampton is a goddess
Matt: Yes... Yes, she is. Plus Re-Animator one of my all-time faves. Like a movie, I would take to a desert island fav
Lily: the whole series including the comics are fuckin golden!
Matt: Okay, so. you have like...EVERYTHING Wrong with this place. but honestly, hanging out here today, being out in the creepy village all week. I dunno. I've grown
to love the mutants...
Lily: what do you dig about the mutant fam?
Matt: I dig everything about the mutant fam, but I think the thing I dig the most about it is the community. We all love horror and there is not gatekeeping or membership cred needed liking horror is all it takes and were so welcoming of everybody.
But I do want to say, my favorite foreign movie is Train to Busan. Fucking love it.
Lily:Bonus for Erin!
Lily holds up a jar with a brain and eyes in it labeled POMSLOVESHORROR
The brain seems to vibrate and through a speaker attached to the jar a voice asks:
"do you plan on covering any movies you haven't seen a million times before?"
Matt: yes I do. With me just getting started I wanted to do some of the big hitters to pull in an audience and get people interested. Later when I have some trust I'll dig into something like A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night or something along those lines.
Erin: "what are some of your favorite, more obscure movies and does he watch foreign horror"
Matt: I do watch foreign horror with Train to Busan being my absolute favorite. I used to watch some obscure stuff but it’s been a while! alright! I got like 3 other evil castles
to check out this afternoon! I gotta go. but its been a blast!
Lily: Matt...dont take the elevator, that one's gonna totally drop you in a pit of slime that would either dissolve your or smell like shit, I can't remember anymore. either way
I can't do that to you...you've been...what's that word?
Lily: NOT ANNOYING!...for that, you may leave unscathed. take the stairs labeled "Trap stairs"
Matt: are you...
Lily: I know right? how clever is that?
Matt: that's idiotic...
Lily: just go!
And he did, he walked down the stairs, out the door, and down the hill, untouched as promised. Lily watches from the security feed at her desk. she leans back and smiles. Times are tough enough. thank fuck for entertainers.
That being said I’d like to thank ALL of the entertainers, the podcasters, the YouTubers, the narrators, the writers, the artists. EVERYONE who has done so much to keep us all sane during these crazy times. Stay safe. Stay clean. Stay Mutants.